Longings of the Heart Read online

  “I suppose so.” John’s lips turned up in a crooked smile. “I’m glad I wasn’t practical.”

  Quiet settled over the couple. They were content just to be together.

  It was Hannah who spoke first. “How shall we ever thank Mr. and Mrs. Atherton?”

  John shook his head. “We owe them a great deal. Obtaining pardons for us was something I never expected and I’m sure cost them dearly.”

  “I want to do something to thank them.”

  “In all my life I’ve never met anyone in the aristocracy with such decency and compassion as the Athertons. And I’ve known many in the upper classes.”

  Hannah sometimes forgot about John’s past. She’d not known him before his imprisonment. “So, you did quite a bit of business with those of nobility?”

  “I did. And in some circles I was considered gentry myself.”

  “At our shop, Mum and I met many highborn women. She had a reputation as one of the finest seamstresses in London.” Sorrow touched Hannah. “Mum had few possessions, but she was a fine lady. And she died too young.” She felt the sting of tears. “Even with the snobbish types, she was pleasant, genuinely so. I doubt she had any callousness in her.”

  “I’m sorry about your mother. I know how much it hurts to lose one’s parents. At least we have each other.” John took another drink of coffee. “Have you considered what we ought to do now that we’re free?”

  “I thought we might stay on here for a while. The Athertons have been good to us. I’m not sure I feel right about leaving them.”

  John gazed out the window toward the main house. “I don’t think they’d want us to remain in servitude. They gave us our freedom believing we’d do more. And we can.”

  “What is it you want, then?”

  “I’ve been considering starting my own farm.”

  “You’ve always been a toolmaker.”

  “True, but I’ve long wanted to try my hand at something else.” He rubbed his freshly shaven cheek. “In London, just before I was arrested, I dreamed of adventure and of putting my efforts into something new and interesting.” He gazed at her. “This could well be my chance. There’s free land for those who want to work it.”

  Hannah reached across the table and grasped John’s hand. “All I need to be content is to be with you. I want whatever you want.”

  He gently squeezed her hand. “Together, we can do anything we put our minds to.” The golden glints of color in his eyes blazed. “God has blessed me with a most excellent wife. I think of our future and am inspired.” He smiled. “You’ll make a fine mother. How many children shall we have?”

  Hannah’s breakfast suddenly felt heavy in her stomach. She couldn’t meet his eyes.

  “Are you all right? You’ve gone quite pale.”

  “I’m fine.” Hannah wasn’t fine. She was afraid. What if there were no children? After all, she’d done a heinous thing. She’d wished for the death of her own child. Such a sin could not go unpunished.

  John leaned back in his chair. “I say we should have a half dozen at least.” He grinned. “Three boys and three girls would be just right. They’ll be handsome too. Like their mother.”

  Hannah poked at her eggs with her fork. “It’s God’s choice about children, when and how many. We’ll have to wait and see what his plans are for us, eh?” She glanced at John. He’d trusted her and she’d not told him the truth. What if God withheld the blessing of children because of what she’d done? What would she tell him then?

  2

  A knock sounded at John and Hannah’s door. “Who would come calling this morning?” John asked, his voice tinged with irritation. He didn’t rise, but sipped his coffee instead.

  Another timid knock trembled against the door.

  John set down his mug and folded his arms over his chest. “I’ll not answer, not on our first morning together.”

  “Perhaps we should. What if it’s something important?”

  John shook his head and remained seated.

  Again, a knock rattled the door. This one was more resolute.

  “I’m going to answer it.” Hannah moved to the door. When she opened it, an anxious-looking Perry stood on the porch.

  He tipped his head slightly. “Mornin’ to ye. I trust ye had a good night.” His face reddened. “I mean, I hope yer well.”

  “I am.” Hannah smiled.

  Hands clasped behind his back, Perry shifted from one foot to the other. He looked past her and into the house. “I know this isn’t a good time, but I was wonderin’ if I might have a word with John.”

  John stepped to the doorway, protectively circling Hannah’s waist with his right arm and leaning the other against the doorframe. “What’s so important that you come calling the morning after a man’s wedding?”

  “Sorry. But I needed to speak with ye.” His eyes darted toward Hannah. “Alone.” His voice was apologetic.

  John glanced at Hannah. He didn’t want to leave her, especially not to spend time with Perry. Friendship only went so far.

  “You go ahead. I’ve dishes to do,” Hannah said.

  John tightened his hold around her waist and dropped a kiss on her forehead. “I won’t be long.” He shot Perry a reproachful look, grabbed his hat and settled it on his head, then stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

  “I’m sorry to bother ye,” Perry said. “But I’ve got to talk to someone and there’s no one else.”

  “It better be important.” John shoved his hands into his pockets and walked alongside Perry, who was moving at a quick pace up the drive and toward the river. “Good Lord, Perry, this isn’t a race. What’s got you so agitated?”

  Perry slowed his steps. “It’s Lydia,” he blurted. “Did ye see the way she threw herself at that Gelson fellow?”

  “I saw no throwing,” John said wryly.

  “Every time I looked at her she was talking to him and smiling in that way.”

  “What way is that?” John was losing patience. He’d planned to spend the day with Hannah, not with a fretful Perry. The day was heating up quickly. Soon it would be too miserably hot to enjoy much of anything.

  “You know . . . ye can tell she’s . . . interested. There are times when she smiles that it looks like she’s lit from inside.” He knit his brows. “And she danced with him more than once.”

  John stopped and folded his arms over his chest. Perry kept walking. When he noticed John was no longer beside him, Perry stopped and looked back, then turned and faced his friend.

  John studied him. “What do you think I can do about how Lydia feels? I’ve no influence over her.”

  “No. But ye might say something to Gelson. Tell him Lydia’s partial to me.”

  “Is that the truth?”

  “I don’t know. We’re fine friends. It could be.”

  “You know it’s not true.” John looked into the branches of a tree where a redheaded bird with a yellow chest fluffed its feathers while making a terrible racket. “You’re beginning to sound like one of the blooming birds ’round here.” He softened his tone. “You’re no more than friends. And what would you have had Lydia do at the party? She’s friendly. It’s her way.”

  “You think that’s all it was?”

  John considered lying to Perry. He wanted to end the conversation and return to Hannah. Instead he posed another question. “Would it have suited you if she’d talked to no one? Just stood aside and watched everyone else have a good time?”

  Perry dug a toe into the dirt. “No. Course not.”

  “Well then, I’d say you need to let Lydia be herself, and you need to stop worrying and meddling.”

  “But she was battin’ her eyes, and then Gelson would say something and she’d laugh.” Perry rubbed at his patchy beard. “She’s partial to him. I can see it.” He looked at John in a way that said, “Tell me I’m imagining things.”

  John clapped a hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. “Don’t trouble yourself so. It was just a party. And a
good one, I might add—my wedding.” He grinned. “Which reminds me . . . I have a bride waiting for me.”

  Perry shook his head and paced back and forth in front of John as if he’d not heard John’s reference to Hannah. “Ye know how I feel ’bout her. She’s the only one for me.”

  “I know.” John felt a touch of guilt at his own selfishness. His closest friend was hurting and all he could think about was that he was being put out. “Sometimes the people we love don’t return the sentiment, at least not the way we want them to.” John glanced up at the simmering morning sun. It was moving higher into the sky. He resumed walking. He knew Lydia was about to break Perry’s heart, and he wished there were some way to lessen the hurt, but there truly was nothing he could do. “Lydia’s kindly disposed toward you.”

  “That’s not enough.”

  “You can’t make her love you. I wish it was in my power to change her heart, but I can’t.” He grasped Perry’s arm. “The two of you are quite good friends. Enjoy that. And be thankful for it.”

  “Thankful?” Perry sounded resentful. “I can’t settle. I won’t.”

  “You may have to.”

  Perry glared at John. “Now that ye’ve got Hannah, ye don’t care what happens ’bout me and Lydia.”

  “That’s not true.” John’s frustration intensified. “What am I to do? Or for that matter, what can either of us do?”

  John stopped beneath an acacia tree and grabbed a low-hanging branch. He broke off a small limb. “Perhaps she’ll fall in love with you, given time. For a long while Hannah would have nothing to do with me. And now . . .” He glanced back at his cottage. “Now, she’s my wife.” He was unable to keep the tenderness out of his voice. He cleared his throat and looked back at Perry. “When she told me there could be nothing between us, I nearly gave up.” He tossed the branch and watched it drop into bushes along the drive. “’Course if she’d not changed her mind, I would have had to accept her decision.”

  “Right. But if Lydia never comes ’round, how do I do that?” Perry looked disheartened.

  “I don’t know. You just do.”

  “I can’t lose her.” Perry stared at Lydia’s cottage where smoke drifted from the chimney. “I’ll never love another.”

  “I don’t believe there’s only one woman for a man. Look around. There are other fine ladies in the district. Even here on this estate.”

  “That may be so, but even if I were to find someone else, I’m worried ’bout Lydia. I don’t trust Gelson. He’s most likely a philanderer and will likely take advantage of her.”

  “I doubt you’ve any worries there. She’s a strong, sensible woman.”

  “Ye don’t know her the way I do. She’s vulnerable. And when it comes to love, all women are alike; they forget about being reasonable.”

  John kicked at a pebble. He wished he had answers for Perry. “I doubt you’ve any worries when it comes to David Gelson. Seems most the women ’round here are taken with him. With so many to choose from, he’s not likely interested in Lydia.”

  “If only that were true.” Perry didn’t sound optimistic. “Do you think I ought to say something to her?”

  “I don’t think she’d take kindly to your interfering.”

  Perry gazed at her cottage. “She’s a handsome woman—her green eyes and that wild auburn hair. And she’s got spirit.”

  “Give things time.” John rested a hand on his friend’s back. “Try to be patient.”

  “I’m afraid if I give her too much time, David Gelson will steal her from me.”

  “Perry,” John said gravely. “Dr. Gelson can’t take something from you that you don’t own.”

  Surprise and then truth touched Perry’s eyes. “S’pose yer right, there.”

  “Gwen’s a handsome woman,” John said, his tone lightening. “Perhaps you ought to consider her. I have it on good authority that she likes you.”

  “Really?” Perry almost smiled. “She’s a fine lady. And I do like her. But she’s not Lydia.”

  “Perhaps there’s more to her than you know.” John gazed at distant wheat fields cooking beneath a hot sun, their hearty fragrance heavy in the air. “It’s possible that when Lydia sees you’ve another interest, it might spark hers, eh?” Even while John was speaking, he knew it was unlikely, but he didn’t have the heart to be completely forthright.

  “It might at that.” Perry looked thoughtful. “It’s an idea. I might drop by and speak to Gwen this afternoon.” He smiled, looking slightly more confident. “Sorry to have taken so much of yer time. I’d better get back to work.” Perry tipped his hat and walked toward the shop.

  The next morning, John stood inside the door and pulled Hannah close. “I wish I didn’t have to go to work and could stay with you today.” He kissed her. “I’ll be thinking about you. And knowing you’ll be here when I get home will make the day more tolerable.”

  Hannah wrapped her arms around John and snuggled close. “If only we had another day together, just the two of us.” She smiled up at him. “But we’ll be together tonight. And I’ll see to it that I have a first-rate meal ready when you get home.”

  “It’s not my stomach that will be hungry.” John grinned down at her and lifted an eyebrow.

  Hannah giggled. “That will be fine with me. How lovely to know that at the end of the day we’ll have each other.”

  John hugged her more tightly. “All right, then. You’ll be in my thoughts.”

  “Perhaps we could luncheon together?”

  “I wish we could, but Mr. Atherton has business for me in Port Jackson. I mean Sydney Town. I forget myself. Not used to the change. It’s a bother, changing the name of a town.” He kissed her again and then looked over the property. “I want a place of our own. I want to work for us and the family we’ll have one day.”

  “Family will come at the proper time.”

  “I’m going to speak to Mr. Atherton about it right away. I think we ought to apply for a land grant. The government will give a man thirty acres—and another twenty if he’s married.” “I’ve heard of that, but us, so soon?”

  “Why not? I’ve decided a sheep farm will be the thing.” He grabbed his hat from a stand beside the door and pressed it onto his head. “You should tell Mrs. Atherton so she can be looking for a new housekeeper.”

  “All right. If you’re sure we’ll be moving soon. I’m not certain how or what I ought to say. The Athertons have been exceedingly good to us; I feel as if we’ll be deserting them.”

  “They’re the ones who gave us our freedom. It’s what they want. I’m sure of it.”

  “I’ll speak with her.”

  John kissed her once more and then opened the door and stepped outside.

  Hannah watched as he strode toward the tool shop. When he was out of sight, she closed the door. I’d best hurry. Mrs.Atherton will be wondering where I am. She walked to the bedroom, took a clean apron out of the bureau, and tied it on as she hurried toward the main house.

  Stepping through the back door, she nearly collided with Elvine Goudy, who wore a starched white apron and a warm smile as she always did. “Good day,” the cook said. “You look well.”

  “I am, thank you.”

  “Marriage agrees with you, then?”

  “That it does.” As Hannah walked into the kitchen, she knew she was smiling broadly but couldn’t keep from it. She felt extraordinarily happy. “It smells wonderful in here.”

  “It’s baking day.”

  Hannah glanced at the stone oven beside the hearth where she knew several loaves of bread were tucked inside baking. “Perhaps one day I’ll have an oven.”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  Dalton, the houseman, walked by and offered a quick nod. Hannah said “Hello,” and moved toward the scullery and stopped at the door. Gwen was up to her elbows in soapy water. The young woman flashed her a smile. “Good day.”

  “Good day to you.” Hannah glanced at a stack of baking pans and utensils. “Looks like
you’ve a load of work to do.”

  “That I have. Baking day’s always a busy one for me.” Using the back of her hand, Gwen brushed blonde hair out of her eyes. “It was a lovely wedding. Thank ye for including me.”

  “It was lovely, wasn’t it? And I’m glad you could join us.”

  Still smiling, Gwen returned to work.

  Hannah moved toward the stairway. I suppose I ought tobegin with the beds, she thought, climbing the steps.

  Mrs. Atherton met her on her way down. She moved slowly. “Good morning, dear. How pretty you look today.”

  “Thank you. It seems everyone thinks I look especially fetching this morning. Is there something different about me?”

  “Of course there is. There’s a light in your eyes I’ve not seen before.” Mrs. Atherton patted Hannah’s cheek and then took another step down. “I’m on my way into Parramatta to see the new physician.”

  “Are you ailing?”

  “No. But I’m hoping he might have something to ease the pain in my joints.”

  “I pray he has something to offer you.”

  “It would be a blessing.” Mrs. Atherton eased past Hannah. “Good day, dear.”

  “Oh, Mrs. Atherton. Do you have a moment?” Hannah knew she must say something to her mistress about her and John applying for property and their possible move. Just the idea of it made her feel disloyal.

  Mrs. Atherton stopped. “What is it, dear?”

  “Well . . . John and I have been talking, and we plan to move onto our own place. He’d like to raise sheep. I don’t know how long it will take to get a piece of land, but I thought you ought to know. That way you can be looking for someone to replace me.”

  Sadness touched Mrs. Atherton’s eyes, but only for a moment, and then she smiled. “That would be spectacular, dear. I’d hoped you two would set out on your own.” She took a gentle hold of Hannah’s hand. “But I’ll miss you terribly.”

  “I’m sure we won’t move far. We like it in Parramatta.”

  “Good. At least that way we’ll be able to see one another.” She let Hannah’s hand drop. “Bless you, dear,” she said and then continued down the steps.